Posted on 3 Comments

Hasta La Vista, Amazon

Amazon Break Up Letter

Dear Amazon,

It’s you. Not us. We are breaking up.

We had a little pitter patter in our Cartel hearts when our relationship began back in 2011. You liked us? You let us be on your website? We were in love! We were young. So young! You were more experienced, had a great reputation, everyone seemed to love you. That made you irresistible. We thought you were hot.

Yet here we are five years later. We feel trapped. It’s time for us to move on.

Your charm isn’t quite as charming as it used to be. What we once thought was powerful we’ve learned is just manipulative and isn’t working for us anymore. Did you know we literally lose a little bit of ourselves each time a book sells? ($2.29 per book sold in 2016, to be exact) We bet you didn’t know that. You were so caught up in making an average of $7.72 per book off of our relationship that you never bothered to ask how it was working for us. We loved you. But you don’t love us back.

What was once a clever way to reach our customers has turned into a one-sided partnership where you get all the money and we get stuck with the bill.

There’s no other way to say it. We’re breaking up and we’ve found someone new: Our customers.

Instead of dealing with your ever worsening terms and conditions we’ve decided to take what we used to pay you and invest in our relationship with our customers. Without you we’ll offer a better customer experience out of our garage rather than continuing to fund your giant robotic mega warehouses or your record breaking stock prices.

Thanks for the memories. We’ve learned a lot about ourselves along the way. But it’s over.

Hasta la Vista, Amazon

Posted on 3 Comments

3 thoughts on “Hasta La Vista, Amazon

  1. Hilarious but addresssing a serious issue. Hope it works out better in the end. 😉

  2. Glad you are bailing on Amazon, wish it had more to do with this!

  3. […] Question: So like didn’t you guys totally break up? You made kind of a big deal about it, too. Like it was a thing. […]

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